Author Archives: gloriabellyrub

As anyone who has ever given a toddler a xylophone knows, humans aren’t born with a sense of rhythm. And yet, by the time we are fully grown, many of us are capable of playing ‘edelweiss’ on the spoons, rotating our hips to the sound of Perry Como, or mimicking the mating call of anContinue reading “Yes Sir, I Can Boogie But I Need a Certain Parasitic Worm – A Treatise on the Importance of Worms in the Development of Dance”

This week at the Belgian National Gallery in Brussels, a new exhibit opens of the works of the little known Flemish Master, Johan van der Klimf (1592-1637). Protégé and contemporary of Rubens, he failed, in history’s eyes, to emerge from the shadow of his well-known teacher and that of his illustrious predecessors, Bruegel, van Eyck,Continue reading “The Forgotten Flemish Master – A Treatise on Johan van der Klimf”

The false teeth of Saint Mungo, patron saint of salmon and founder of Glasgow, have recently been rediscovered in a fishmongers in Auchtermuchty. The saintly dentures were found by the fishmonger, a Mr. Robert McGlengarry, in the gut of a salmon. Local clergy have cited this as a further miracle of the blessed choppers asContinue reading “The False Teeth of Saint Mungo – A Treatise on the History of a Relic”

As we plough towards Christmas Day like the big red Coca-Cola truck towards the soulless grins of saccharine-soaked children, I feel compelled to explore the different Christmas traditions from around the world and investigate their origins. Let’s start off with the big fella. Santa Claus himself, of course, originated in the Yemen as ‘walid almashkukContinue reading “Santa and the Warm Cousin – A Treatise on Christmas Traditions”

I inherited my Uncle Leroy’s collection of erotic shoehorns when he passed at the age of 83 in a tobogganing accident in Dieppe. Being his favourite nephew, it turned out, was something of a double-edged sword. Love can be expressed through a phallus, but not in a subtle way, and certainly never between uncle andContinue reading “Uncle Leroy’s Legacy – A Treatise on the Correct Storage of Erotic Shoehorns”

Since the invention of the automated milking tube put pay to the milkmaid as a viable career, the number of ‘traditional’ farming roles that have gone for a Burton is considerable. In this treatise, I intend to highlight several of the more significant agricultural jobs that have become obsolete and explore their origins and function.Continue reading “Where have all the Cow-Botherers Gone? – A Treatise on the Lost Roles of Agriculture”

Upon it’s release in 1996, Mark Morrison’s seminal work ‘Return of the Mack’ caused a stir, not just in the nascent world of British R&B, but also through the world of academia at large. To describe this song as pivotal in the genre of ‘borrowing waterproof clothing’ is to grossly underplay its significance. It redefinedContinue reading “Borrowing Waterproof Clothing – A Treatise on the Lyrics of ‘Return of the Mack’”

The following cannot be considered a comprehensive guide for it is neither complete in accounting for all the counties of these ancient isles nor written in the same kind of academic depth and rigour as such works as “The Oxford Book of British Place-Names” or “The Ladybird Book of Counties.” However, where it falls downContinue reading “What’s in a Name? – A Treatise on the Etymology of the Counties of the British Isles”

Let us start at the very beginning with the seed. Seeds are like popcorn and were invented by the same man, Ludwig Von Treeble in Dusseldorf back in 1722. Before then plants had arrived fully formed or were chiselled out of basalt by warlocks. The invention of the seed meant that amateurs could suddenly getContinue reading “The Marrow, a Beginner’s Guide – A Treatise on the Evolution of the Marrow”

Stave One I was first visited by the spectre of the late Raymond Burr back in the autumn of 2012 whilst I was pruning near some plum trees, psyching myself up for the real thing. What alerted me to the fact that it was the late actor’s spectre and not the man himself, was notContinue reading “The Visitations of Raymond Burr – A Treatise on Paranormal Chastisement”