‘You Are Happy’ – A Treatise on Wellbeing in a Modern ‘Banana Republic’

The following words are not my own but are in fact those of il Presidente José Daniél Iagez of the small South American ‘banana’ republic of San Guillermo. The words were given as part of his bi-weekly television address to the nation. They serve as an interesting treatise on the nature of wellbeing in relation to sociopathic dictators. The transcript and translation were made, at great personal risk, by my friend Eddie, who now has to live ‘off-grid’ for a while.

Hello, as you all know by now, you are all happy. I know this because some people who you’ve never met have sent me a piece of paper upon which is written the following ‘all the people are happy and everything is lovely’. Isn’t that nice. Isn’t it comforting to know that what you already know, the fact that you are all happy, has been confirmed by some important people who wear hats and have a badge? How do they know you are all happy, I hear you ask? Why, simple, because we told them that you are and sent them a photograph of one of you smiling and a picture of a cake we once thought about giving you then changed our minds. Isn’t it all lovely? Yes, yes it is, and that is why you are all happy. Remember, you are happy and very well, because this is what you are.

I take great pride as I walk amongst you all, a paper bag over my head and two sprigs of parsley in my ears, seeing all the smiling, happy faces, and hearing all the kind words of thanks and gratitude that I humbly insist upon, because you are all wonderfully happy and extremely well, and it’s all down to me.

I am the bringer of smiles, the progenitor of wellness. And of course everyone agrees with this.

You see, knowledge is a burden; ignorance is bliss. We seek to keep you wrapped up in the throes of utter joy by kindly not telling you anything at all. And those that claim to know are miserable. What fools they are! They should ignore the pernicious poisons of facts and information, and instead bask in the life-affirming glory that is self-absorbed disinterest.

Now, some of you may be wondering where your friends have gone. Well you shouldn’t as that kind of thinking is not good for your wellness. And isn’t it all much nicer anyway without those ‘friends’. What kind of friends don’t smile and instead grumble all the time? We’re not at home to Mr. Grumpy-Pants, nor should you be. You are happy this way, knowing that they’re gone, all those misery-mongers who were never really your friends anyway if you really think about it properly and remember it the right way instead, because we’re all happy and therefore they could never really have been here could they? Because we’re all happy and immensely well.

Some people may be focusing on irrelevant nonsense, like the hammer beating you about the head or the weeping, the constant weeping, but of course that’s wrong isn’t it. Very wrong. Remember that cake we thought about getting you? Mmmm cake. See we’re all happy and you are perfectly well.

And don’t we all look smart! Of course we do. There is talk of moaning at having to wear the Republic woollen snood in 40°C heat, but of course there is no moaning, because we are all happy and everyone is perfectly well. Homogeny brings joy. We are all happy. We all wear the Republic woollen snood. We are all extremely well. And how would people know that we are all in this together if we weren’t displaying our loyalty and consequential happiness by wearing our Republic woollen snood? What madness would that be? Is it madder to wear a Republic woollen snood in 40°C heat or to not acknowledge our happiness and health through the wearing of the Republic woollen snood? I think we all know the answer to that, because we’re all happy and none of us are mad.

This is a safe place. Your welfare is our priority. Altruism is my watchword. It’s a word I watch for. I don’t trust it. Because surely we’re all in it together to achieve happiness and wellbeing, which of course we already have, as recognised by those nice people in hats and official badges who gave us that piece of paper!

Some say there are naysayers out there who fear this isn’t a safe place for those who are different, who think differently. But that of course is nonsense as we all think the same, we are all happy, we are all extremely well. I’ve not heard the naysayers, because there are no naysayers, naysayers are not welcome here. This is a place of safety. A place of safety for all those brave yea-sayers, all those who nobly stand up, without fear, to valiantly agree with me and everything I say, stand for and do, rather than kowtowing to the insidious mumblings of those fictitious naysayers who of course don’t exist.

Remember, we listen. We hear what you have to say. And because we are listening, we hear what we want you to say. And yes, we are doing things because we have heard what you have said having made it abundantly clear that we would listen as long as you said those specific things because we care, and you are happy. Very happy. And well.

And don’t forget, our disciplinary record is second to none. As in, it’s none first, then us. And let this be shouted from the rooftops! You’ll have to wait for the rioting dissidents to get down first, but then shout it from the rooftops! This is a safe place! We are all happy! We are terribly well, thank you very much.

Look at the wonderful things we’ve done to ensure that you are all happy and very well: we’ve let you sit down for a bit longer on a Tuesday; given you all a Republic woollen snood to wear (always ensure you are wearing your Republic woollen snood); and don’t forget that cake we thought about getting you all that time. All this to serve as welcome relief from the state organised surveillance and torture that doesn’t happen. You are happy. You are well. You are expendable.

We support you all. For those toiling away or suffering from the illness of individuality or free-thinking, we have plans of support, support to help you get back on track, the single track, the right track, the track of blessed conformity on our journey from happiness to ecstasy, all in the finest of health, and not to the forced labour camps designed to break your spirit or your will, as these clearly are figments of a diseased imagination, and imagination is a disease, creativity is a pox, and contradiction a plague. And we are all healthy. We are healthy because of our unanimity. And because we are healthy, we are well and happy. Everybody is happy.

And so my fellow members of the Republic, my shiny, happy people, I leave you with this simple message: your wellbeing is my concern. You are happy because I care.

Why not join us on Wednesdays for Pilates?