Occasionally I get letters. Most of them are about money owed with innovatively graphic depictions of the consequences to delicate bits of my anatomy if debts aren’t swiftly paid. And last week I received a missive from someone claiming to be my aunt demanding figs. However, I also recently received one from a ‘concerned of Rotherhide’ – Andrew Concerned – who was due to visit a duchess for brunch and was worried about his Ps and Qs, particularly his Ps. I forwarded him a treatise I’d penned on social etiquette by replacing the original author’s name with my own at the top and changing the font. This treatise is the one published below:
Never curtsey to a witch. It is considered very bad form. This occultish snub has its roots in fourteenth century Bavaria when a coven of witches were executed when they lowered their guard to curtsey to a viscount.
The degree of squattage in a curtsey can be linked either favourably or unfavourably to manners. When curtseying to a bishop a squat which involves the knee going past a 45 degree angle is considered profane. This is because of the belief in the early Orthodox Church that demonic possession occurred via the anus and that a broader squat is encouraging Satanic invasion. This is why Baba-Yaga’s house is always portrayed as being on particularly bandy chicken legs that, as the saying goes, couldn’t stop a pig in a passage.
Never season your meal at a Michelin starred restaurant or put ketchup on a pavlova.
Helping the elderly to cross a busy road is polite though only if they want to, otherwise its technically kidnap.
Terms of address are of course an important element of correct etiquette. Don’t refer to a queen as ‘the whore of Babylon’, the correct term is ‘madam fancy-knickers’. Bishops are ‘your grace’ or ‘cheeky-chops’. Judges are ‘Oi Goat-breath’ and when trying to attract the attention of a member of the House of Lords its best to go through a spiritual medium.
Cutlery at the abode of anyone higher up the social structure than ‘duke’ is a minefield for the uninitiated. As such, I shall describe a selection of the common items and their function, starting to the left of the plate and working out, then the right of the plate and working out, before heading north to the land of desserts.
Left side:
- the main fork (forchetta del grande papà in the original Italian) is used for 40% of meals except in the Lebanon.
- The Devil’s fork, which is for eating any substance that is viewed as demonic, such as ochre or tinned potatoes.
- Pea fork (Erbsengabel in German) – a pivotal piece of cutlery in Austrian high society where eating more than one ‘item’ at once is considered a social faux pas on the same scale as spitting at an admiral (see Moist Admiral Strigil)
- Every British school child knows about the chalk fork because of the rhyme taught as most primary schools: ‘Mary once she ate the lamb, put down her ovine knife, and picked up instead her grumbling fork, for to cut some chalk’. The word ‘rhyme’ is used in its loosest form here. Chalk is considered a delicacy in most of Kent and is normally served between the main dish and first dessert.
Right side:
- Fortinbrass’ Knife – used to cleft in twain your fortinbrass. This involves leverage rather than cutting as the knife lack serration or a sharp blade. Once you’ve cleft your fortinbrass you may insert the garlic butter or condiment or your choice.
- Normal knife
- Boson’s nose knife – this is curved at the end and used to cut round corners – mainly for dislodging whelks, oysters or the bit of a Fray Bentos pie that has stuck to the base of the tin foil case.
- Dorothy’s Pike Knife – this knife is five foot long and is used to dislodge excess plum duff from the spoon of someone sat at the other end of the table from yours. It has its origins in the dining room of George IV (well-before he became so and was still the Prince of Wales) where his wife, Caroline of Brunswick, became distraught at the amount of pudding her husband was eating. It being considered gauche to directly confront a monarch about such things, she directed her handmaid, Dorothy, to fetch a billiard cue. Dorothy did so and Caroline successfully used it to dislodge a large amount of pudding from George’s spoon, which fell onto his capacious lap. He ate it anyway and he and Caroline became estranged.
- Withering Knife – used to slowly wear down beef over a period of eight months. Generally only used at longer functions.
North side:
- The plaintiff spoon – used to eat desserts by those who feel wronged
- Moist Admiral Strigil – used for removing spit and bouillabaisse from the uniform of high-ranking seamen.
- Queen Anne’s Folly – this item of cutlery is not the ‘folly’ itself (though it is dubbed so), but rather the solution to the folly. The folly was her attempt to balance three pickled eggs on one spoon in front of Charles VI, Holy Roman Emperor, when they were both drunk. Queen Anne was unable to secure the three pickled eggs on the same spoon at the same time and their constant droppage almost led to a dissolving of the Peace of Utrecht, not to mention unwanted stains on the Holy Roman Emperor’s pantaloons. Fortunately, the Queen’s Cutlery-Smelter, Lord Smethington-Bivalve, simply widened the girth of the spoon fivefold and when Queen Anne next tried to drunkenly balance multiple pickled eggs during a state visit, she was successful despite horrific twinges caused by her gout.
- Lembit’s Oblong Spoon – used to consume the lumpier of soups.
Of course, what is considered polite etiquette very much depends on where you happen to be on the planet.
In Bulgaria, if you are meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time, you are expected to present them with a goose. Most dating agencies in Sofia provide customers with a goose when they sign up. Goose farming is a major industry in Bulgaria, only outdone annual profits-wise by the sector of the Bulgarian economy dedicated to removing zinc from microwave meals. Arriving without a goose is considered as shameful and the sign of a person with low-moral standings. In fact the term ‘chovek bez gūska’ (a gooseless man) is an exceptionally derogatory term in Bulgaria. Morrissey’s original lyrics for the Smiths’ song was ‘This Gooseless Man’ as he once dated a woman from Plovdiv. Similarly ‘Girlfriend in Veliko Tarnovo’ was altered during recording. In both cases Johnny Marr was worried the references wouldn’t connect with your average teenager from Salford.
Interestingly enough, a goose is not required when meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time. Then you are expected to bring a baked potato. Fillings are optional, but do denote your intentions with their son. Parents have been known to bar the door and alert the local priest for suitors who turned up with tuna mayonnaise.
In Canada, you must remember to always doff your cap to an off duty police officer or Mountie, but raise a pinky if you yourself are a freshwater salmon.
The Japanese are absolute sticklers for adherence to social etiquettes. The fourteenth century Prince, Morikuni, failed to offer a guest a warm flannel post-soup and was consequently forced into exile as a Buddhist priest. That is why it is so important to use the complimentary towelettes on Air Japan flights.
In Mongolia, you are expected to hold open doors for anyone who smells of lemons. It is vitally important to sniff everyone you meet. If both individuals approaching a door smell of lemons, they must shout out ‘lemon sniffer!’ and anybody else present is expected to come across, sniff both people and decide who is ‘ilūū nimbeg’ (more lemony). If he or she cannot decide, they themselves must hold open the door and the lemon-scented people pass through in order of shoe size.
To indicate that you are part of the bridal party in a wedding in Taipei, you pin a live crab to your shoulder. To not do so is considered a huge slight to the bride’s father who can then legitimately kick you in the shin and have a decomposing stoat mailed to your cousin.
If you are holding a Grand Ball in Hungary, you should wear gloves unless you’ve been formally introduced by a member of the clergy. You should also wear gloves if you’re holding the member of the clergy.
Waving to a member of the Norwegian Royal Family as they pass in a vehicle is acceptable, though mooning them isn’t unless they initiate.
When it comes to royal families, speak only when spoken to and even then avoid Klingon or any dialect prevalent north of the Rhineland.
In a shared communal space in Luxembourg it is considered polite to offer control of the TV remote to anyone born at a higher altitude.
In Norway, when someone sneezes, rather than saying ‘bless you’, it is considered polite to say ‘Morten hyr forlatt bygningen’ – ‘Morten has left the building’.
Misidentifying cumulonimbus clouds in the Ruhr is considered a social faux pas on an equivalent level as farting into an envelope and mailing it to Billie Jean King (an incident that in itself caused a diplomatic emergency and almost the outbreak of hostilities between the US and Ivan Lendl).
Remember, if in doubt, don’t spit unless the host does, never tweak the nipple of anyone before the port is served, and don’t offer to delouse their schnauzer.
Treatises of Gloria 