‘A Plagiaristic Eulogy’ – A Treatise on an Anti-Christ

I can’t take credit for this treatise as it was actually written by Clematis Flange, the satirical editor for The Beano. I came across the work whilst in the waiting room at the clinic. In exchange for my sample, they allowed me to keep the comic. In the original, which acted as a prologue to a Bash Street Kids strip satirising the Sino-Indian War of 1962 with Plug as the Dalai Lama and Smiffy as Mao Zedong, the dialogue is performed by Minnie the Minx and is set at the hypothetical funeral for democracy at a third inauguration of President Trump. Flange precedes it by having Minnie the Minx apologise to Shakespeare whilst stood in front of a large chicken bucket in funereal black.

Minnie the Minx:

Friends, Republicans, Christians, lend me a dime

I come to admonish Trump, not to praise him.

The evil that men do lives after them;

The good is oft interred with their bones,

Trump will be lonely in the grave. The ‘noble’ Trump

Hath told you that he’s a Christian,

If it were so, he’d recognise his faults,

And greviously would he answer for them.

Here, under lies of Trump and the rest –

For Trump says he’s a Christian

So are they all, Christian men –

Come I to condemn Trump’s rhetoric.

He is a friend, faithful and just to oligarchs

But Trump says he loves all Americans,

And Trump claims he’s a Christian.

He hath brought many tariffs home to scorn

Whose ransoms did the general coffers empty

Did this in Trump seem Christian?

When the poor have cried, Trump has called them weak and stupid.

Christianity should be made of compassionate stuff.

And yet Trump says he has read the Bible

And that he is a Christian.

You all did read in Luke’s Gospel,

Christ command to love thy neighbour

Which Trump does refuse to – is this Christian?

But Trump says he is Christian.

I speak not to disprove Trump’s claim

But here I am to speak what I do know

Christ calls us to love, not demonise and lie

What idol holds Trump: wealth? Narcissistic pride?

O judgement! Trump belittles and preaches hate and greed

And men have lost their reason. Bear with me,

My faith is in Christ almighty, unlike Trump,

Who lauds self-serving autocrats who flatter him.

As Minnie the Minx sits down, Dennis and Gnasher place a whoopee cushion on her seat and much hilarity ensues.