As we approach the 500th anniversary of the Battle of Pavia and Holy Roman Emperor Charles V’s decisive victory, it seems appropriate to explore the different owls native to the British Isles.
Barn Owl (Tyto Alba) – For many years, it was believed that the bird was named after the man who discovered it, Leonardo da Brancini. It was only in the mid-nineteenth century that the truth was found, thanks to the work of Victorian ornithologist John Gould who discovered that ‘Leonardo da Brancini’ didn’t actually exist and was merely a false name used by Sir Thomas More to get into hot catholic parties anonymously. The true etymological root of the owl’s name comes from Old English when it was actually known as the ‘bran owl’ because of the belief it ate high fibre breakfast cereal. There is a bit in Beowulf that reveals the origin of the cereal bar was a Barn Owl pellet, here translated by Monica Irimia, the former Cheeky Girl who wasn’t engaged to Lembit Öpik: “And having wandered for many days in the wilderness bereft of light and sustenance, Beowulf did break his fast with the dried throat excrescence of the brannéd fowl.“
Barn Owls are still often used in the production of breakfast cereal bars and plasterboard.
Barn Owls lay two eggs each breeding season unless the wind is north-westerly in which case they clench harder and hold out for the following year.
Snowy Owl (Bubo Scandiacus) – This is, of course, named after Tin-Tin’s dog. Hergé was a keen amateur ornithologist and birdspotter. Famously, Tin-Tin’s hair is based on the plumage of a hoatzin. The Snowy Owl wasn’t recognised as a distinct species of owl until 1967. Until then most zoologists felt it was some form of dwarf elk. In fact, in Scandinavia it was known as den mindre befjädrade älgen (the lesser feathered elk). It wasn’t until Snowy Owls got over their shyness and started going to jazz clubs, that anyone got to see one close-up. Still in parts of London it is known as the ‘Scat Bird’. The Snowy Owl’s white plumage comes from its diet of only eating albino mice and Greek yoghurt.
Hunter’s Owl (Bubo Quae Venator) – This owl was named after the Gladiator Hunter (James Crossley) who found the species in the rafters of the National Indoor Arena in Birmingham whilst filming the ‘Hang Tough’ event for an episode in series 3. “I couldn’t believe it,“ said Crossley in an interview with the RSPB Magazine, “I was just about to get my legs around this contestant, when all of a sudden, I heard this hooting just above. I crawled up over the equipment – the contestant went on and gained the points – and noticed that the little critters seemed to be different to owls I’d seen before. The closest one it looked like was that metal one from ‘Clash of the Titans’. The original, not the remake, that was shit.“
The owl had evolved to survive in heating ducts and ventilation systems, hunting small rodents and electrical engineers. When studying their nesting habits, researchers found that their nests were mainly made out of strips of lycra glued together by spit, sweat and deep heat residue.
Of course, Hunter’s Owl isn’t the only bird to be named after a celebrity. One thinks of Chesney’s Hawk and Jordan’s Tit (although ornithologists now believe this to be a mock tit and not a natural one of its genus).
Long-eared Owl (Asio Otus) – This is, of course, a misnomer as although owls do have ears, the long-eared owl’s ears are no longer than any other owl, including the short-eared owl. In fact the ears of the long-eared owl and short-eared owl are of similar lengths. What is longer on the long-eared owl is the feathered tufts poking out the top of the head like an old politician’s eyebrows.
They hang about in woodlands where they eat mice, voles and tapioca pudding. In medieval England it was considered good luck to be licked by a long-eared owl. This was quite a faff as the owl’s tongue is considerably shorter than its beak, so a woodsman, known as the ‘owl grasper’, would clench the bird’s beak open and the person, having proffered him a farthing, would poke their finger down its throat and wiggle. This was not a pleasant experience for anyone involved, including the owl, and all would agree not to talk about it afterwards. That’s why, even now, we describe someone who is good at keeping a secret as having been ‘licked by an owl’. The most famous usage of the phrase can be found in Shakespeare’s ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ when Benedict says of Beatrice: “She is the most dire gossip known to mankind, I’ll warrant she’s never felt the tongue of an owl upon her finger.“ (Act 1 Scene i)
The Winchester Hooping Owl (Bubo Winchesteris) – This owl is on the smaller end of the species with the adults measuring about six inches in length. They adore putting their heads through holes and hoops and will do so at any opportunity. Quite why they do this ornithologists aren’t entirely sure but one theory is that they evolved the habit to hide from predators such as the Red Kite by pretending to be hunting trophies. The Hampshire Croquet Association has had to employ large dogs to deter the owls from buggering up their games. The 2008 over-80s women’s final for the North Hampshire League ended in a fist-fight when a Mrs Gladys Quimple insisted on a shot being declared void when it was blocked by the arse of a Hooping Owl. Local journalist Sigmund Guttersnipe described it as ‘the worst atrocity caused by the bottom of an owl since Oliver Reed punched the Bishop of Argyle for his pet Snowy Owl defecating in his Tia Maria.’ Since the bringing in of Dobermans, the number of croquet matches that have been interrupted by owls has dwindled to a mere handful a season.
The nudist beach at Barton on Sea has been closed since 1973 for embarrassing avian-related reasons.
Tawny Owl (Strix Aluco) Not originally a native to these shores, the bird was first brought to the country by a Lancastrian cod fisherman in the seventeenth century called Anthony Shepperswick. The species was originally native to Iceland and the Faroe Islands where it is known as ‘ruslauga’ or ‘rubbish owl’ because its held in very low esteem there due to its habit of rooting through bins and crapping on their woollen goods. Its name in English of course comes from the Lancastrian pronunciation of Tony’s Owl.
Since coming to these shores it has, as a species, tried to up its reputation by only rooting through recycling bins and defecating on easy-wipe materials such as Gore-Tex.
Short-eared Owl (Asio Fammeus) – This is, of course, a misnomer as although owls do have ears, the short-eared owl’s ears are no shorter than any other owl, including the long-eared owl. In fact the ears of the short-eared owl and long-eared owl are of similar lengths. What is shorter on the short-eared owl is the feathered tufts poking out the top of the head like a young politician’s eyebrows.
Short-eared owls were used during the English Civil War by the Royalists to push cannonballs down the barrels of cannons ready to fire. They would smear the cannonballs in fat and birdseeds, and as the owls would peck at the food, so they would end up forcing the ball right up to the charge at the far end. Often the birds themselves would become wedged, hence the phrase that started in Civil War days and even now is used to describe devout fans of the Royal Family: ‘they’d sooner scatter owl guts over Naseby than denounce the King’ or ‘owl-smashers’ for short.
After a while, they learnt to strap the owls to long sticks to push the balls down, before eventually replacing the owl with a wad of cloth – much to the relief of the owls.
Lesser Gentleman Owl (Noctua Minor) – Found only in the Home Counties, this relatively rare owl has disproportionately large territories. Their territories are passed down from generation to generation although once the owlet fledges it is sent to an area just outside Windsor before it returns years later to claim the parents’ domain.
Lesser Gentleman Owls are distinct in having circular black markings round one eye and in only eating pheasant, grouse, hare and small deer. Such rich diets mean that they are often incapable of flight and require a team of sixteen sparrows to hold them aloft and fly for them. The Lesser Gentleman Owls will gather in exclusive trees, refusing to let in more common owls such as the Tawny or Barn Owl.
The Lesser Gentleman Owl is the only known bird species to suffer from gout.
Little Owl (Athene Noctua) – The imaginatively named Little Owl can often be found near large owls making them seem slightly less funny than they actually are. They loiter near piers and generally feed off scraps, though inexplicably during the 1980s they spent a lot of time in TV studios.
Fudge Owl (Bubo Dulce Lac) – This owl is associated with Saint Angela of Lincoln. The story goes that Saint Angela (pre-sainthood) had fallen foul of a morally-questionable costermonger who insisted she owed him a sovereign for disturbing his handcart and disgorging his wares all over Lincoln’s fair cobbled streets, when the truth was that whilst trying to kick the errant youth of a scrivener, he’d done this himself. “But my good costermonger,“ quoth Saint Angela, “I have but this moment arrived in fair Lincoln and could not have disgorged your plums across yon cobbles.“ This did little to assuage the ire of the deceitful costermonger, who had spied Saint Angela as a fair maiden and wished to press himself against her in the Cathedral Quarter. Upon noting the salacious glint in the costermonger’s eye, Saint Angela did fall down upon her knees and pray, and lo, seven Fudge Owls did miraculous appear and with great rejoicing did peck out the costermonger’s eyes. And since then, Saint Angela has always been portrayed with a Fudge Owl on her shoulder, from whose beak a costermonger’s eye dangles.
Nowadays, Fudge Owls can only really be seen in the wild in Lincolnshire where they feed upon the carcasses of fallen swine.
Wardrobe Owl (Noctua Vestium) – This owl tends to have its habitat wherever clothes are stored. They form their nests by chewing large holes out of clothes, favouring denim and rock band merchandise. They became particularly prevalent in the 1990s. A programme of systematic culling decreased their numbers but recently they have been on the rise again.
Wittgenstein’s Forgetful Owl (Noctua Qui Obliviscitur Wittgenstein) – This breed of owl suffers from short-term memory loss and is therefore always surprised to discover it has talons. A further consequence is that whenever it experiences something, it always has a sneaky suspicion that its experienced it before, a phenomenon known in ornithological circles as ‘de-ja-twoo’.
Eurasian Eagle-Owl (Bubo Bubo) – This species hangs around in pairs and has a hoot that is deceptively falsetto.
Although nicknamed ‘The Owls’, Sheffield Wednesday isn’t a type of owl but is actually a flightless duck.
Treatises of Gloria 