Smurfs were first actively farmed for syrup in medieval Belgium. It had long been known of course that the queen of a Smurf colony, known as Smurfette, secreted syrup to feed the young Smurflings. Caesar wrote in his ‘Comentarii de Bello Gallico’ about the Northern Gallic tribes who ‘did squeeze from the pictsie an unction sweet as honey that doth consume the tooth’s own marble’*1 (here translated from the original Latin by Rupert Grint).
It wasn’t until about 950AD that Benedictine monks started to set up Smurviaries and began to harvest them to farm Smurf syrup. Contemporary accounts from figures such as Duke Bruno the Great, described the impact of such sugar-rich industries: “The blesséd monks of Lotharingia are fecund with gold and doth dance with mad eyes, seemingly off their tits, whilst grinning toothless gummy smiles,” (‘The Writings of Bruno the Great’ 957AD, trans. Leonard Rossiter’ *2). Some of these Benedictine monks, such as Brother Gargamel, became so corrupted by the wealth pouring in from the Smurf syrup that they left the order to set themselves up as wealthy landowners in their own right.
Setting up as independent Smurfherders, these would-be nouveau-riche entrepreneurs hit upon a few snags if they wanted to harvest Smurf syrup whilst living the high-life in the Mediterranean sunspots. Prone to withering when at a distance of more than twelve feet away from brassica, and with lungs that collapse at altitudes of more than four metres, Smurfs thrive best in the lowlands of northern continental Europe, and so successful Smurvaries can still only really be found in this region.
Each Smurf colony only has one active breeding female, who predominantly gives birth to male Smurfs. The majority of these are workers whose function within the colony is ascribed to them via their epithets. For example, Handy Smurf is responsible for all DIY jobs within the colony, Chef Smurf for the production of food for the colony, and Clumsy Smurf for all necessary accidental breakages. Conjugal Smurf is a drone Smurf whose testis become engorged upon reaching maturity and whose function is then simply to fertilise the Smurfette. Not unsurprisingly, it was wisely decided by Peyo not to include Conjugal Smurf in his ‘Johan and Peewit’ comic where the Smurfs first appeared in comic-form in 1958. In an interview with ‘La Monde’ back in 1967, Peyo declared that “the Smurf syrup industry had always been something I wanted to raise international awareness of, but at the same time I understood that some aspects of Smurf husbandry were not suitable for a target audience of five to eleven year olds. I glossed over Conjugal Smurf, and leant heavily instead on the stork myth.” (La Monde 24/5/67*3).
The distinct lack of gender balance was highlighted by Ice-T’s original version of what became the song ’99 Problems’ off his 1993 album, ‘Home Invasion’. Ice-T, famously, is a massive Franco-Belgian comics fan, having a tattoo of Tintin on his left buttock. His lyric “I’ve got 99 Smurfs and a bitch ain’t one” was deemed by the record label, Warner Bros., to be too narrow in its appeal to resonate with the breadth of audience they were hoping to attract. The less-specific ‘problems’ seemed to fit the bill, and as a consequence, Ice-T moved away from the rest of the original lyrics for the song “I got a Smurf who’s clumsy, a Smurf who’s brainy, a Smurf who’s grumpy, and one who’s lazy,” to lyrics that I feel uncomfortable in reproducing here. Jay-Z was completely unaware of the Smurf version when he covered the track in 2004. But he refuses to recognise any comic that’s not part of the Warner Brothers stable, and once cut a man for saying ‘Space Jam’ was rubbish.
The Conjugal Smurf was not the only area of Smurf husbandry and colony dynamics that Peyo decided was inappropriate for a youth audience. If a female Smurf is born, once it reaches maturity, it will either challenge the resident Smurfette or will head out of the colony in order to challenge the Smurfette of another colony. At this point, they fight to the death and the victor eats the loser in a savagely brutal scene, wisely omitted from both comic book and film adaptations.
It is well-known that the great Dutch painter Hieronymus Bosch was himself a keen Smurfkeeper and it is said that witnessing the aftermath of a Smurfette battle led to some of the more piquant scenes in his triptych ‘The Last Judgment’.
Having recorded such a scene for the filming of his ground-breaking series ‘Planet Earth’, presenter and naturist, Sir David Attenborough, wrote in his diary “Such scenes of wanton barbarism were more akin to a film of the Last Days of Sodom and Gomorrah and I made the executive decision to have the footage burnt and instead replaced with some orcas tossing a seal pup to death as it was positively lightweight whimsy in comparison. Must phone Dickie.”*4
Smurfkeepers will actively avoid such scenes and ensure that any Smurfette born in their Smurviaries is either humanely destroyed or used to start an entirely new colony.
When Katy Perry acquired the role of Smurfette in 2011’s ‘The Smurfs’ movie, she went full method in order to try and fully capture the essence of the character. She painted herself blue and spent six months living in a bush, force-feeding syrup to any toddler that wandered too close by. She would have been cautioned by the police for aggravated minor sucrose insertion, but they were too busy keeping a track on her husband at the time. When Demi Lovato took over the role for 2017’s ‘Smurfs: The Lost Village’, Perry broke into her property armed with an axe, a knife and fork, a jar of marinara sauce, and a napkin, and it took four of Lovato’s security staff to haul her off the new Smurfette before she could take a bite. The marinara sauce is yet to come out of Lovato’s pashmina, and a sheer white chiffon trench coat was pronounced dead at the scene.
Sources:
*1 Caesar, G.J. ‘Comentarii de Bello Gallico’ trans. Grint, R. (2017) London. Penguin.
*2 Rossitor, L. (1974) ‘The Rise and Fall of Medieval Flanders – My Favourite Medieval Scribblings’ New York. Faber & Faber.
*3 Chevalier, M.A. (1967) ‘Les problèmes de Peyo’ La Monde (24/5/67) Paris. Cochon Rouge*4 Attenborough, D. (2016) ‘Big Daddy D’s Days Out – Collected Diaries 1997-2014’ London. Penguin.
Treatises of Gloria 