As anyone who has ever given a toddler a xylophone knows, humans aren’t born with a sense of rhythm. And yet, by the time we are fully grown, many of us are capable of playing ‘edelweiss’ on the spoons, rotating our hips to the sound of Perry Como, or mimicking the mating call of an amorous dabchick.
But how is this and why?
The answer is simple: our symbiotic relationship with parasitic worms.
Scientists have known for several decades now of the causal relationship between tapeworms, ringworms, flukes and other assorted parasitic worms’ life cycle and that of nearly every form of dance both classical and contemporary. What follows is my humble layman’s attempt at summarising some of the findings of the leading parasitochoreologists.
The Argentine Tango, as many people know, has its roots in the brothels and cat houses of Buenos Aires where the gauchos would come and dance with the ladies of the night. What is now realised is that the dance originated due to a parasitic worm known as Guido’s Folly contracted by the cowboys from its home amongst some of the friskier cattle. Due to the particularly rambunctious nature of this parasite, the host is riddled with itches around the calves and upper thighs, and has to resort to rubbing said regions against lampposts, dogs bigger than schnauzers and, in the case of the Argentine Tango, the infected regions of fellow sufferers. Recent studies have shown that Guido’s Folly can be transmitted sexually or by an informal correspondence.
The denizens of the seedier establishments of South America are not the only places that parasitic worms are found to inspire dance. Der weiße Wurm von Duisburg lays its eggs in wursts – a habit that has led to some of the more stringent food hygiene rules being created by the EU – such as no. 147b) the preparation, cooking and distribution of wurst must be accompanied by rubber gloves, a member of the clergy, and four litres of rubbing alcohol. Despite such bureaucratic precautions der weiße Wurm von Duisburg is rife in the lower intestines of many German-speaking nations and gave rise to the sedate Waltz.
When exposed to string instruments, the Austrian Lesser Tapeworm convulses every three seconds and leads its carriers to rise suddenly, inadvertently creating the swifter Viennese Waltz. Popular during the Napoleonic Wars, the French Emperor himself was known to have tried desperately to be infected by the tapeworm even going so far as to marrying an Austrian and exposing himself to unhygienic plumbing, all for the momentary joy of being slightly taller every three seconds.
The Schuhplattler or ‘thigh-slapping’ dance of Bavaria has evolved over the millennia through the mistaken belief that one can stun an internal parasite by slapping the host’s flesh. Cocooned inside six inches of Bavarian subcutaneous fat, you’re more likely to disturb the deeps-dwelling Kraken by farting in the shallows of the Greek Mediterranean Sea, than bother a München Hookworm.
The acute social embarrassment clearly shown in the rigid body language of Irish Dancing has its roots in the bottom being the playground of a plethora of pinworms. The ‘Flatley Foraging Worm’ as its known in the dance clubs of Ireland, causes the infected to be restricted to the most minimal of jigging movement for fear of worm-induced faecal leakage. This is interspersed with occasional exuberant kicks, flicks or leapings when the irritation simply becomes too much and the sufferer has to react.
Across the pond, a particularly virulent and aggressive form of ringworm led to jitterbugging. Infected patients would try anything to rid themselves of the dreadful itching sensation. They found that inducing extreme motion sickness in the ringworm would subdue them. The worms would enter a comatose state in order to protect themselves and would only reanimate in the presence of a zoot suit or moonshine.
A close relation of the Jitterbug Ringworm emerged on the streets of the Bronx, and such was its veracious nature that sufferers would find every inch of their flesh writhing, and they would be forced to rub, rotate, scrap, flex and twist every last part of themselves against the sidewalk or tarmac just for momentary relief. Break-from-worm-irritation Dancing, or ‘Break-Dancing’ as it came to be known is one of the most recent evolutions in the parasitic worm/dance moves symbiotic relationship.
Further back in time, parasitochoreologists have concluded that the only possible explanation for the evolution of Morris Dancing is that revellers were riddled with pinworms, making a fiesta of their tightest of sphincters. The jangling bells were believed to hypnotise the worms, and the clobbering each other with wooden sticks was simply to take one’s mind off the excruciatingly persistent writhing in the nether regions.
Nijinsky’s nether regions, it is believed, were tormented by a species later called Fonteyn’s Fury, an aggressive hookworm that so agitated the colon, that Nijinsky was able to contort his body into the most elegant and yet unnatural of positions. Ballerinas ever since have sort to deliberately contract the hookworm at a young age to nurture a flourishing symbiosis. In fact, there was a scene cut out of the final screen version of ‘Billy Elliot’ in which Julie Walters assaults Jamie Bell with a turkey baster.
The leaping ‘Adumu’ dance of the Maasai is a futile attempt to eject the Serengeti Pinworm from their bottoms, propelling themselves vertically as swiftly as they can in the hope that it’d take the worms by surprise. This extraordinary reaction to worm-induced anus discomfort was mirrored in the pogoing of early punk rock – a movement synonymous with the ravages of parasitic visitors. The irony being, the tightening of the buttocks required for substantial vertical lift-off meant even the thinnest of worms couldn’t be ejected.
The most likely explanation for twerking is the prevalence of threadworms in the Côte d’Ivoire where twerking’s spiritual ancestor, the mapouka, originated. Threadworms emerge from the rectum and lay their eggs around the external anal sphincter, where parasitochoreologists believe the worm encourages the thrusting out and hypnotic rotating of the posterior, to heighten the chances of the eggs being spread. Miley Cyrus was accused of cultural appropriation at the MTV music awards in 2013 until it was officially decided by a sub-committee at the UN that you can’t culturally appropriate an arse worm.
It will come as a surprise to only the most naive of observers that the Egyptian belly dance is due to the gestational thrashings of a tapeworm. The tapeworm in question, Ra’s Serpent, grows to a length of twelve metres, and when harvested and dried out is considered an acceptable dowry gift – the equivalent of half a dozen camels in certain tribes. The size of the tapeworm correlated with the prestige a family could generate from its presence in the gut of a daughter, and so the exposed midriff was developed on the pretext of demonstrating just how large and vigorous the tapeworm had become. The more rapid and extravagant the belly dance, the larger and therefore more socially impressive the tapeworm was assumed to be. The bejewelled naval originated in the mistaken belief that Ra’s Serpent could emerge from the belly-button and so some form of ‘stopper’ was required and cork wasn’t in ready supply in Luxor.
Far from being an extensive record of parasitic worms and the dances they’ve inspired – I’ve not touched upon Chubby Checker’s lifelong struggle with the Twisting Fluke Worm – I hope to have shone a little light into the intestinal origins of many of the world’s dances. Like a choreographer’s colonoscopy.
Treatises of Gloria 