John Noakes – 83 years old 6/3/34 – 28/5/17
Manuel Noriega – 83 years old 11/2/34 – 29/5/17
John Noakes and Manuel Noriega were born within a month of each other in 1934 and died within a day of each other in 2017. Or did they? Is this too much of a coincidence? Noriega, the darling of the Reagan administration in Central America, Noakes, the adventurous slab of meat betwixt the smouldering love buns of Peter Purves and Valerie Singleton in the Blue Peter best burger line-up. Could they be one and the same person?
Now let’s mince words here, Noriega wasn’t a particularly nice person. Noakes however appears to have been an absolute sweetie. But anyone growing up in the 1970s or 80s will tell you that looks can be deceiving when it comes to children’s presenters.
Let’s take a closer look at the lives, nay the quintessential personalities, of these two supposedly different human beings.
According to legend or ‘wikipedia’ as it is sometime known, Noakes was born in Shelf near Halifax in West Yorkshire. Noriega was born in Panama City, almost a month earlier. Noriega lost his mother at an early age, was separated from his siblings, only meeting his brother initially at school. He became embroiled in the youth wing of the Socialist Party. Noakes excelled at cross-country running and gymnastics (gymnastics of course being the particular area of excellence for Socialists/Communists).
The first major piece of evidence however comes next. Noriega attended military school in Lima, graduating in 1962 with a specialisation in engineering. Noakes joined the RAF in 1950 as, and you may have to pinch yourself here in disbelief, a mechanic, becoming an aircraft engine fitter! Why did Noriega qualify with a specialisation in engineering and not something more akin to his ambitions in dictatoring? The answer is simple. He already had an excellent working knowledge of engineering and mechanics from his days as Noakes in the RAF. You see, while Noriega was gaining his qualifications, Noakes was supposedly at Guildhall Drama School, performing in rep theatre, and even spending time on Broadway (conveniently closer to Panama and Peru!)
Not convinced still? Well ask yourself this: what would a Yorkshireman know about handling elephants? On the surface, a man from Panama City would have had little contact with elephants – but remember, this is a man who went on to thwart a coup against Torrijos in Torrijos’ absence. Staring down a violent, angry mob must be akin to taming a rambunctious juvenile pachyderm. He learnt his intimidation tactics in his young days in the National Guard. Tactics that served him well in Broadcasting House that fateful day. And let us not forget the manly, commanding way he had with Shep – “Get down, Shep!” – how easily we can imagine a similar phrase ringing out in Spanish – “Get down, anti-Torrijos rebels!”
During Noakes’ Blue Peter days (’65-’78) Noriega was rising through the ranks of the Panamanian National Guard, before taking part in a military coup and becoming part of the upper echelons of Torrijos’ command. His tempestuous relationship with Biddy Baxter, referring to her later as “an awful woman” (brutal words indeed!) must have been similar to his infighting with others close to Torrijos such as Parades, Herrera and the lovely Debbie McGee. With the increasingly high profile nature of both his lives and the demands that it was putting on him mentally, something eventually had to snap. And it did.
Noakes ‘moved to Majorca’ in 1982. Noriega became the Military Leader of Panama and the ‘Maximum Leader of National Liberation’ in 1983. It had become no longer possible for Noakes/Noriega to fully carry out his role in Panamanian politics whilst still being the loveable adventurer of British TV. Whether it be a serum or simply a personality disorder, the Noriega-side of his being took over and he became fully immersed in brutal dictatoring. It’s a 24/7 job. There is literally no peace for the wicked.
Being imprisoned by the United States did put a crimp on things, but Noriega/Noakes eventually worked out a trick of ‘visiting himself’ in prison and leaving to appear on things such as ‘I’m Frightened and Famous’ and ‘Britain’s Worst Celebrity Driver’ (not surprisingly as for much of his life he’d been driving on the right – and in Panama). Blue Peter Special Weakest Link, and Pointless Celebrities teaming up with Peter Purves were two further ways he broke up the tedium of his incarceration.
The actual practicalities for arranging the duel end of his lives and subsequent internment are the sort of mind-bending tricks that only the late Paul Daniels could have explained. Finally, if you look very carefully at a photograph of Noriega during his putting down of the anti-Torrijos coup, you will notice a Blue Peter badge pinned to the front of his military uniform – as far as we can tell, this is the only slip he ever made in allowing his two identities to mix. That and swearing in Spanish when he’d climbed Nelson’s Column without a safety net.
Treatises of Gloria 